In the interests of saving time, instead of having each candidate give an opening statement, we’re going to ask them to just give their concession speech to Donald Trump right now.
Would you rather fight one immigrant-sized duck or 100 duck-sized immigrants?
Governor Haley, if your child came to you and said that they identified as someone who deserved to earn a living wage, how would you respond?
Millions of middle-class Americans are struggling to deal with inflation. How many new pictures of Hunter Biden’s penis will it take to help them?
Of course Donald Trump isn’t here tonight. But he has sent word to the organizers of this debate that he would find it funny if each of the candidates did the I’m-A-Little-Teapot dance while singing in their best cockney accent. So, Governor Christie, would you like to start?
Governor DeSantis, how do you respond to those who criticize Florida’s new AP history guidelines which say that many black people enjoyed lynching because it gave them the opportunity to go to heaven?
What do you think of recent proposals for a 2% sales tax on the purchase of Supreme Court justices?
Fuck Marry Kill: Joe Rogan, the Wall with Mexico, white nationalist frog meme
Governor DeSantis, if a magical fairy came to you and said that all you had to do to become a real boy was allow a talking cricket to teach you about moral behavior, would you put the cricket on a flight to Martha’s Vineyard just to own the libs? Did you? Is that why you are the way you are?
Senator Scott, Republican primary voters want to know how long you can scream the word “woke” without taking a breath. I’ve got the stopwatch ready. On the count of three I want you to give it everything you’ve got.
What’s the most racist thing you feel comfortable saying on national TV? Please say it in under 30 seconds.
Governor DeSantis: Do you know anyone else who would be a slightly less embarrassing candidate for president than yourself? Like maybe a neighbor, your pool guy or someone you went to high school with? And a follow-up question to that: Could you call that person and ask them to come down here right now?
The last question we’re going to ask tonight is perhaps the most important. Every candidate on stage is going to be required to answer. That question is: What the fuck? Seriously, just, what the fuck?
I'm tempted to sell a kidney in order for the moderator to actually ask these questions, calmly and with a dead serious face.